A Legend Deserves More

Brett Favre has finally decided to hang up the cleats and call it a career. The man who started every single game he's played in the NFL since 1992 I believe, has decided to be more of a family guy then the iron man. I've been out of college for 5 years and I was watching this guy play when I was in grade school. But the media elite and so-called Sports Talk personalities love dragging his name through the mud. And why? Because a man who has done nothing but play football since he was a little kid, now approaching 40 years old had a tough time making a life altering decision.

Jim Rome who loves to stir up emotions and enflame people with half-truths said he will not ever view Favre the same way after what 'he's done'. And all because he gave a tearful retirement speech over a year ago and a few months later thought he might have something left to give and that he wanted to continue playing. Heaven forbid! Call the police he can't change his mind!

Hey Rome, no one's telling you to quit the only career you've ever had even though maybe we should if you can't give honest and unbiased feedback as a newsman. The 'Around the Horn' reporters are the same way. People are enraged because he had a tough time making a decision that would change his life forever. Like he's indecision somehow inconvenianced them. Hey, here's a thought, don't talk about it if it annoys you so much ass wipes.

Yes, everyone goes through some kind of self-denial at the end of their careers in professional sports, but then again not everyone is Brett Favre. Montana and Marino had injury after injury and their bodies just didn't do what they use too. They missed games. Steve Young and Troy Aikman were competing for most concussions. John Elway couldn't walk anymore. All great quarterbacks who walked away from the game without the decision problems, but none of them had done what #4 did for almost 20 years. Think about that; every season starting under center every single game and never once missing. He played a whole season with a broken thumb on his throwing hand and threw for over 4,o00 yards. Favre wasn't holding press conferences every week. He wasn't pulling a Jordan and retiring and coming back 3 years later and then retiring again and then coming back again. No, he knew if committed he was in it for the whole season.

People say he put Green Bay in a bad spot; B.S.! I don't see it that way at all. He gave them some great, exciting football for 15 years and a Super Bowl, and let's be honest they had a QB-in-waiting in Aaron Rogers. I say that because whether Favre came back or not, it would not affect how they draft. They didn't have to pick a QB because they already had a pretty good one. And it wouldn't change how Rogers prepared. He'd still be training to be the best QB he could be. The Packers did Brett wrong and I say this as life long cheesehead. He led the Packers to a game away from the Super Bowl and lost to the eventual Super Bowl champions in overtime so clearly he was still slinging the ball around effectively. Green Bay kicks him to the curb and then J-E-T-S and the haters there as well. Let me remind you he led the Jets to an 8-3 start before ripping the bicep in his throwing arm, which is conveniently forgotten for mud slandering purposes when they talk about how he ruined the Jets. Hardly. Let's say it one more time, HE RIPPED HIS BICEP!!! And still played. And he we are now.

All haters and idiots out there should remember, that there is no Brett Favre story if no one comes a knocking. The Vikings pursued him not the other way around. He told them early July that he didn't think he could do it and then they send a full frontal assault with player texts and coaching visits to pitch harder that he be their QB. Brett didn't do anything to Sage Rosenfels or Tarvaris Jackson or the Vikings. They wanted him! And these Sports Personalities in all their savvy intuitive sports knowledge say it's Brett's fault for the Vikings current predicament. You're a joke. No logical human being could even look at this situation and blame the Vikings problems on Favre.

These guys don't want to talk about how an era has ended. No more Iron Man. No more joyful grown up kid like play on Sundays. No more Mr. Football. Brett Favre deserves more respect from men who claim Sports Medium as their profession. A man who in is own right brought the joy of the game back to the fans.

He helped us forget about the multi-million dollar disputes among players, millionaires crying over millions with other millionaires; T.O. like behavior in the locker rooms. He took our minds away from all that selfish crap because he played the way we played in Pee-Wee and high school. They don't talk about that, it's far to positive. They'd rather tell the man to retire even though I doubt they would respond so positively if someone was telling them to quit their job as well. It's much more fun to rip a person down and slander them. But it shows the character of men who we go to for our sports information. Rome, no one cares if you look at Favre differently. 50 years from now Favre will be remembered as one of the best to ever strap them on and you, well some other jack ass will be doing what you do.

Steroids is Not Talent

I don't know why, but lately the sports commentators and analysts and reporters and whoever has opinion on baseball and steroids has been getting on my nerves. I grew up a Reds fan and the first major sporting event I went to was a game at Riverfront Park. So I respect and enjoy the game.

All these commentators and reporters seem to have the same opinion on the steroid issue. Basically guys like Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, A-Rod, etc. are evil and don't deserve the Hall of Fame because they took performance enhancers.

First I'd like to say they need to grow up and quit living in this make believe world where everything warm and cuddly is baseball. I think the nostalgia of being America's Past time has taken over the realism that since the beginning of baseball things haven't been as pure as these guys would like it to be. Heck the the big Shoeless Joe Jackson and Black Sox scandal dates back to 1919 or somewhere around there. Guys in baseball have always done anything to get an edge. Pitchers used all kinds of shady tricks to get an advantage and many of them are in the hall of fame. I don't see the difference between doing something to improve your body or doing something like rubbing some kind of substance on a ball to give it a funky spin or whatever. Both give an advantage.

Steroids have been around for along time, so who's to know if guys in the 70s and 80s weren't doping. I mean the Govenator and his pals in the Mr. Universe contest were using in that time period so obviously it was available. And let me make this clear, I love baseball and it doesn't bother me that these guys used performance enhancers. Why does it bother these other hypocrites? They are paid to be the best they can be and while maybe their judgement suffered when deciding to use, their goal are the same as any other athlete; to perform at the highest level.

If they are upset because of the health risk that is one thing, but that is rarely mentioned if ever when these guys rant and rave about it. It's some imaginary code they have. If baseball and other sports want to punish guys that get caught using now then I have no problem with that either. Players know the rules and if they get busted then there should be consequences. But during McGwire, Sosa, Bonds era, these things technically weren't illegal in the league. And lets be clear about another thing, Bonds and company hit hundreds of home runs because of their talent. Sure I'm not that naive to not know they hit more because they were stronger, but think about how many guys were using and then think about how many guys are in the 600+ club. Not many. Talent still has to account for something. These writers and commentators have no problem voting in known drug addicts and wife beaters, criminals, but heaven forbid a player used something to actually make himself a better ball player.

Keith Olbermann said these guys don't deserve to get in. Of course he also said based on stats and play alone that Pete Rose doesn't deserve to either, but Dale Murphy does. Remember I said based on play alone. Forget about the gambling and the betting on baseball. Pete Rose's stats which are far better than Dale Murphy's, Keith thinks Rose isn't worthy. That's what I'm talking about right there; this embodiment of self-righteousness for baseball which doesn't exist. If Rose hadn't done the things he did then Keith would have said something else I'm sure, but Rose violated the imaginary purity of baseball.

The hypocrisy of the media elite knows no bounds. They bitch and moan over guys who's only goal was to make themselves better. The means are clearly questionable, but not unforgivable. I mean to paint these guys as evil is extreme, but I guess that's what sells papers and drives ratings these days. Every reporter needs their villain whether that person deservers it or not. Keith Olbermann needs people put to on his worst people in the world list. These players are guilty all right, of being incredibly human. They were easily tempted to find an edge in a business where being on top is all that matters. And who created that glass ceiling? So to Jay Marriotti, Woody Paige, Bill Plaschke, Keith, and the rest of the whiny bitches I say, grow up, there are far more pressing things in this current world to be upset about. Maybe baseball fans and company should mimic the NFL which handles things slightly differently. They have a policy and if a player violates the substance abuse then they are fined and suspended. They don't create a bunch of hoopla about it and pretend it's anything other than what it is. But hey what do they know they're only the most popular professional sport in the country.

You Can't Hang Yourself If You Ain't Got Enough Rope

Have you ever thought of death and the first feeling that comes to mind is relief?  I've been having a few of those moments lately.  I can't help it.  I just find it tough lately to deal with the comings and goings of my pathetic excuse for existence.  I'm not dealing well.  I thought things were getting better, but lately the pains in my stomach and head are back.  Maybe I'm not praying right or something.  I made the noose too long so my body hit the floor.  The next time I can't get the knot right till I give up and call a suicide hotline.  They put me on hold.  I sort of smiled and had to giggle a bit.  It just shows how many people I assume are right there with me.  I'm trying, I really am.  I want to wake up in the mornings and be happy.  I want to look forward to the day, to the week, to the year.  I don't want this pain and loneliness.  I'm really worn out from it.  So that's why the thoughts have been more frequent.  Fear is at an all time high in my psyche.  I know this sounds like a guy wallowing in self-pity and maybe it is, but I swear I'd give anything not to feel this way.  I could sit in a room full of people, friends, family, and I could be the center of attention and I'd still feel alone and distant.  It's like I'm watching from a distance.  Maybe I messed up somewhere along the way or took a wrong turn or something.  I guess you can't backtrack and have a do-over.  There are no Deloreans or Marty McFlys to take you back in time.  I hope that I can hold on long enough to see what this pain was all for one day.  It'd be nice to know that it was preparing me or teaching me or anything useful what so ever.  I'd really like to feel and 'be' happy and content.  It'll be a battle between the rope and my hope and I worry the latter has taken to many hits to get back in the mix. 

Rambles from the Sober and Lonely Mind

You ever feel like you're standing in the middle of a merry-go-round watching everyone laugh going by enjoying themselves while  you stand still? I can't seem to shake that feeling lately. This by no means has been a good year for me, but when I tried to remember the last good year I had, well my mind went blank.  I just feel like there is nothing waiting for me at the end of this journey. It's not self-pity thing because I'm not feeling sorry for myself.  I just can't picture life getting much better or worse depending on how you look at it.  It's like I've plateaued or something.  It just seems like all my friends and family are at really good times in their lives personally and career wise and I just kind of feel like I'm watching from the outside.  

I feel like I'm just going through the motions and eventually something good will come my way, but I don't see how that will happen if I'm still standing in the middle of the merry-go-round.  I want to do something, but my mind draws blanks and that is frustrating as all get up.  Several months ago I thought my life was over, but then I had spiritual experience and felt motivated.  Now I feel nothing.  Good or bad.  I feel lazy.  Life, never seems to have the answer your looking for, but always seems to have plenty of questions. 

I saw an old John Wayne movie the other day and I thought it'd be nice to have lived during the Old West.  I'm not even talking the movie version of the cowboys and ranchers and pretty southern belles.  I just mean working on the land you own all day with your family and being with the woman you love every night.  More laborious, but more eloquent it seems to me as well.  If you'd grown up during that time then you wouldn't even know the difference.

I'm rambling tonight. Just wish sometimes there was less options in this world i guess.

We Can Endure; Quit Fighting the Inevitable

I can't help, but notice that everyone is obsessed with money.  I wonder why we continue our endless pursuits of things that will never be?  As if we have one more dollar or one more car or a bigger house or bigger a TV or a fancier vacation; as if when we obtain these things will have anything left to pursue or will we have finally found life's content?  Or worse yet we die trying to capture that which is not even possible and then we are left going to our graves unfulfilled.  

The economy, jobs, bills, clothes, things that contribute to our supposed happiness.  It seems like times are never as good as they seem, yet they are never quite the dismal apocalyptic circumstances that people paint them to be either.  Talk to any person who complains about money, poor or rich, and is seems the problem is never enough.  People act like a factory closing down or a store losing it's business is the end of the world and the fall of modern society as we know it.  You'd never think by watching our 24 hour zombie channels that any business had ever shut down until the last few years.  

I feel for people who have lost their jobs and families who have taken a hit; don't think I'm being callous to other people's bad times, but this country has seen it's fair share of products, factories, stores, towns, several kinds of money makers shut down, and even one "Great Depression" and yet here we still are.  Yet we endured and adapted.  Bailing out corporations and other businesses to me seems like a futile attempt to give the appearance that our government cares and is working to make sure that everyone 'believes' them by spending money we don't have.  Funny that it's called counterfeiting when other people do this.  

I just think there are many more productive ways to spend money especially if they are truly concerned about the state of the country.  At one time agriculture was the biggest source of income for most people in this country and was the main economic source for the U.S., and today only 2% of working families rely on farming as their lively hood.  What happened?  The industrial revolution happened and once again America adapted and survived without bailing out failing farms; of course we still have those money guzzling farm subsidiaries.  

Now we are in what I guess some people call 'Information Age' for lack of a better term.  Information runs our society.  We have internet access in all kinds of crazy places and along with that comes instant shipping, ebay, chat rooms, and buying stocks.  I'm not saying that we shouldn't save jobs if they can be saved and be saved to the point where they will still be beneficial, but if not then it's time to get off a sinking ship before we all drown.  

People will have to find other jobs.  Fear of the unknown is always more paralyzing then the actual job loss.  We've endured this long and we will endure some more.  The end of the Industrial Age in the American sense doesn't mean the end of the working man or America.  It just means we've adapted and changed course yet again like so many times before.

Want to Feel Positive About the Future, but Why?

I’m losing my ambition once again and being content.  That is a warning usually that something bad or at least something I perceive to be bad is about to happen.  Every time I start to feel the least bit loose like I can let my guard down, something seems to happen to shoot fear straight down to my soul.  I’m tired and I want to move on.  I want to enter the next phase of my life full throttle, but I need to be patient and not lazy.  My prayers often go from emotional to mundane and flow freely back and forth.  I want to fill the fire in my stomach to live for God and to be a beacon of hope and compassion for all those who seem to be at the end of their rope and have lost faith in anything good happening.  

I’m not quite as scared on this Sunday night as I have been recently.  I can’t control what’s out of my hands and staying positive and constant in prayer and study in the WORD have kept my heart at peace.  I want to go to church again and I want to worship, but I still feel shame about me and about how I look.  I need to lose some weight, but it’s been harder with ironically enough more free time to stay constant with exercise like I did when I had very little free time.  Overcoming my own vanity seems to be more difficult of problem that i didn't know quite existed. Vanity leads to shame quite frequently it seems.

I refused to rededicate my life before because I knew I’d be a hypocrite.  That is the same reason I didn’t take communion whenever I was at church the few times I went during college and afterwards.  I didn’t feel my heart was in the right place to do so and that it would be far more sinful to partake in my current state of mind.  I sometimes crave that drunken feeling and I don’t even know why.  I guess because it erases all your inhibitions and fears.  You just don’t care about anything and will talk to the prettiest girl you can find.  Doesn't even matter if you make a fool of yourself until the next morning.

Don’t get me wrong either.  I like where I’m at and for the first time I actually think I might be entering something good and decent in my life.  I don’t want to mess this up, but I’d be lying to myself if I said everything was great and perfect because I still have moments where I want to swing that noose around the tower and tighten up and just let go.  Sweet release is how it feels in my mind sometimes.  I just feel like I’m holding out for something that’s never going to happen and I’m just wasting my time by not doing the inevitable.  When I get away from those moments and feel relief and grace I think those are the times I need to provide comfort to other people going through their own torments.  I have a buddy who’s Mom is sick and the Doctors can’t seem to maker her better and another friend who hates his job and just seems depressed about where he is in his life at this juncture.  I know tons of people go through similar struggles and some even more severe, but that doesn’t make their anxieties any less real and I don’t seem to be offering any real comfort to them.  I guess I don’t know how I would even go about doing that.  

I always want to be the hero, but instead I always seem to end up being silent and afraid of offending.  I don’t want my friends to feel pain any more than I want to, but it seems like my own outlook on life just doesn’t bring me much to be happy about; no matter how much I try to act like it does. I guess just prayer and patience to hear the right answer is all I can do.  I just hope I haven't let the answer pass me by.

A Day of Shame Ending in the Cradle of Relief (journal entry from the past)

I’ve had a mixed emotional day.  I just don’t know what to believe or feel about what people tell me anymore.  I walked out to the Electric tower this evening.  I stared at it for a good while.  Not to long ago my mind indulged the possibility of hanging some kind of rope or wire around the tower to make my noose.  Those thoughts came crashing down on my soul tonight.  Just to be relieved of all this pain and anguish seemed like a sweet remedy in my mind.  I’m tired of being scared of tomorrow.  I’m tired of my heart racing when the phone rings or when the mail comes.  I’m tired and I don’t want to go on feeling like this anymore.  I cried earlier and begged God for mercy.  I begged him for protection and grace.  

He has blessed me often with this so much the last few months.  I truly love to pray, but yet I did it almost never until all this self made fiasco entered my life.  I can’t go on paralyzing myself and living in fear and dread.  God has answered everyone one of my prayers and I have no reason to believe that this time will be any different.  Rumors run wild about me and it fills my soul with shame.  I’m embarrassed of what people may think of me and I feel shame.  This has been a double edge sword and God has really brought me a great deal of relief and grace in my time pain and affliction.  

I read and I write.  I love to write.  I love to think of ideas and put them down in my computer or write them in my notebook.  I want to move away.  I feel like with a fresh start somewhere I can reinvent myself.  I don't think I’ve ever been the same person in any chapters of my life at least not fully anyways.  I carry the baggage though.  I don’t want to carry it anymore.  I guess that’s why I turned to God so desperately.  I’m just going to give it all to him.  

I fear his 'Will' sometimes.  I fear that maybe he will allow more consequences of my bad decisions to continue.  I pray and ask for mercy and I’m willing to accept whatever judgment he hands out.  Far too long I’ve hindered myself by making compromises to my integrity and by trying to make deals and blackmails in my head.  I no longer think that way.  A person can’t live an honorable life by thinking he controls his own happiness by extorting God.  It would be laughable if so many people including myself didn’t resort to this huge character flaw.  Make God fit into how we see him and how we think he should behave and if he doesn’t well then I’m not going to do this or I’m going show you.  I’m tired of compromises and selfishly hanging onto my fear and grief.  It hasn’t brought me any good and I’m ready to let go and surrender and hopefully God will allow me to experience true relief and true freedom if HE sees fit.

What is the Point?

What is the point of life?  The famous question asked by great philosophers, biblical prophets, school counselors, and even young lost teenagers.  I wonder how often this unanswered question pushes so many into a life void of any feeling because we can only feel numb after so long.  I know it seems too deep and silly to address such an ambiguous question that has many different answers depending on the person asking the question.  But I feel it is more relevant than ever in the age of 24 Hr news cycles, prescription drugs taken for the soul purpose of fixing your mood, record suicide rates, and endless arguing that lead to war among the masses.  

In the book, 'Fight Club', the main character rides in a car in a storm where the driver lets go of the wheel and asks, 'What will you wish you had done before you died?'  After several answers and several misses from oncoming traffic the driver says, 'Believe in me and you shall die forever.'  I think the line and scenario in the book has very poignant meaning behind it.  I think too much of life is spent is trying to avoid possibilities.  The possibilities, the risks if taken that could possibly lead to a more fulfilling and content life, but fear of failure or inadequacy stop us.  Do the things you only day dream about or too worried about societal judging because of the possible absurdity behind your wants.  We handicap ourselves way too much and let fears of the unknown run our ambitions until one day we wake up and can't remember what makes us happy.  

I'm guilty just as bad as anyone.  I let fear of the wrong decision dictate my next move until I can't make a decision.  I sit idly by on the sidelines afraid to make a move.  I go to bed 17 years old and wake up 30 and can't point to any wonderful moments in my life.  To die forever in the Fight Club sense I think means to live as if you had nothing to lose.  Take chances and risks for the things you care about or make you vital to the world.  Yes there will be failures and hurts and heartaches, but endurance through those things builds character.  Besides I think the answer to the meaning life may lie in a lifetime of failures.