You Can't Hang Yourself If You Ain't Got Enough Rope

Have you ever thought of death and the first feeling that comes to mind is relief?  I've been having a few of those moments lately.  I can't help it.  I just find it tough lately to deal with the comings and goings of my pathetic excuse for existence.  I'm not dealing well.  I thought things were getting better, but lately the pains in my stomach and head are back.  Maybe I'm not praying right or something.  I made the noose too long so my body hit the floor.  The next time I can't get the knot right till I give up and call a suicide hotline.  They put me on hold.  I sort of smiled and had to giggle a bit.  It just shows how many people I assume are right there with me.  I'm trying, I really am.  I want to wake up in the mornings and be happy.  I want to look forward to the day, to the week, to the year.  I don't want this pain and loneliness.  I'm really worn out from it.  So that's why the thoughts have been more frequent.  Fear is at an all time high in my psyche.  I know this sounds like a guy wallowing in self-pity and maybe it is, but I swear I'd give anything not to feel this way.  I could sit in a room full of people, friends, family, and I could be the center of attention and I'd still feel alone and distant.  It's like I'm watching from a distance.  Maybe I messed up somewhere along the way or took a wrong turn or something.  I guess you can't backtrack and have a do-over.  There are no Deloreans or Marty McFlys to take you back in time.  I hope that I can hold on long enough to see what this pain was all for one day.  It'd be nice to know that it was preparing me or teaching me or anything useful what so ever.  I'd really like to feel and 'be' happy and content.  It'll be a battle between the rope and my hope and I worry the latter has taken to many hits to get back in the mix. 

Rambles from the Sober and Lonely Mind

You ever feel like you're standing in the middle of a merry-go-round watching everyone laugh going by enjoying themselves while  you stand still? I can't seem to shake that feeling lately. This by no means has been a good year for me, but when I tried to remember the last good year I had, well my mind went blank.  I just feel like there is nothing waiting for me at the end of this journey. It's not self-pity thing because I'm not feeling sorry for myself.  I just can't picture life getting much better or worse depending on how you look at it.  It's like I've plateaued or something.  It just seems like all my friends and family are at really good times in their lives personally and career wise and I just kind of feel like I'm watching from the outside.  

I feel like I'm just going through the motions and eventually something good will come my way, but I don't see how that will happen if I'm still standing in the middle of the merry-go-round.  I want to do something, but my mind draws blanks and that is frustrating as all get up.  Several months ago I thought my life was over, but then I had spiritual experience and felt motivated.  Now I feel nothing.  Good or bad.  I feel lazy.  Life, never seems to have the answer your looking for, but always seems to have plenty of questions. 

I saw an old John Wayne movie the other day and I thought it'd be nice to have lived during the Old West.  I'm not even talking the movie version of the cowboys and ranchers and pretty southern belles.  I just mean working on the land you own all day with your family and being with the woman you love every night.  More laborious, but more eloquent it seems to me as well.  If you'd grown up during that time then you wouldn't even know the difference.

I'm rambling tonight. Just wish sometimes there was less options in this world i guess.