Monday, June 29, 2009
You Can't Hang Yourself If You Ain't Got Enough Rope
Have you ever thought of death and the first feeling that comes to mind is relief? I've been having a few of those moments lately. I can't help it. I just find it tough lately to deal with the comings and goings of my pathetic excuse for existence. I'm not dealing well. I thought things were getting better, but lately the pains in my stomach and head are back. Maybe I'm not praying right or something. I made the noose too long so my body hit the floor. The next time I can't get the knot right till I give up and call a suicide hotline. They put me on hold. I sort of smiled and had to giggle a bit. It just shows how many people I assume are right there with me. I'm trying, I really am. I want to wake up in the mornings and be happy. I want to look forward to the day, to the week, to the year. I don't want this pain and loneliness. I'm really worn out from it. So that's why the thoughts have been more frequent. Fear is at an all time high in my psyche. I know this sounds like a guy wallowing in self-pity and maybe it is, but I swear I'd give anything not to feel this way. I could sit in a room full of people, friends, family, and I could be the center of attention and I'd still feel alone and distant. It's like I'm watching from a distance. Maybe I messed up somewhere along the way or took a wrong turn or something. I guess you can't backtrack and have a do-over. There are no Deloreans or Marty McFlys to take you back in time. I hope that I can hold on long enough to see what this pain was all for one day. It'd be nice to know that it was preparing me or teaching me or anything useful what so ever. I'd really like to feel and 'be' happy and content. It'll be a battle between the rope and my hope and I worry the latter has taken to many hits to get back in the mix.
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i just found your site through a google search of suicide and the university of kentucky. funny how google works! anyway, i read your entries and noticed that you seem to be feeling very depressed. this leads me to why i was searching for suicide and UK. you see, i am a recent graduate of uk and have been having a hard time finding a job. actually, i know this is about the worst time to be looking but it has been about a year now and i am still looking for full time work. my parents have been putting pressure on me to get a job full time and while i have been looking it just hasn't happened. i see other friends of mine getting great jobs and moving away and doing very well for themselves but my situation is different. i don't want to leave lexington. so my job search is limited. often times i can't sleep and then when i do i don't want to get up in the morning. i just look at all my friends finding what is good for them and it gives me an empty feeling inside. it makes me think the world is moving round and i remain dormant and i just dont get it. i felt this way a lot during college and my escape was initially alcohol. i started drinking in high school and then it just escalated once i got to uk. then alcohol just didn't do it for me as much and i got involved in drugs. i actually got quite bad with drugs, experimenting with many different kinds like psychedelics, marijuana, prescription medications, cocaine, pretty much anything i could get my hands on with the exception of anything injectable. then one day during my senior year at uk i was leaving a bar and got arrested and charged with dui and possession of marijuana. it has ruined my life. i have had problems getting work ever since and my parents are aware of my situation but they say that i dug my own grave when i got myself into this kind of trouble. i felt like there was nothing i could do now but just hope someone takes a chance on me but with my record it is hard. i have since stopped with the drugs completely since my arrest and very rarely if ever do i drink anymore. only when my successful friends come in town do i drink. i just no longer see the point. what do i have to celebrate anyway? i am an out of work college graduate with a record and haven't found work yet. i felt like i really had nothing left to live for. I feel like i know where i messed up along the way but there is no way to get back on track and even if there was i don't know what i would be looking for. there was no hope for me. until i found prayer. i had been raised in a church but once i got to school and left on my own i made that an after thought. prayer on my own led me to the answer. and the only answer was to go back to church despite worrying about what people would think of me. i finally got up the courage to go back and even though it killed me because i thought everyone was looking and talking about me i found some answers after just a few sermons at church. i found that there was reason to live and work and live my life and it was because it was in God's Word to do so. life was never going to be easy and was going to be full of trials and tribulations and hardships. only very rarely do we get everything we want. i learned that even those who seem to have it all are even empty at times in their life. i learned all of this by going to church and it actually seemed that no one was talking about me but rather just wanting to meet me and get to know me. it gave me a sense of being that i hadn't had in almost 15 years. and i seem to be feeling just overall a lot better. even though i havent found work yet i at least have something to live for and look forward to. i am sure that through prayer and more searching i will find something even if i don't like it. God says in his word that we are going to work and hate it but it is our punishment for our sins. so i have to accept it and just suck it up for his glory. so i just wanted to leave you this message and let you know that you aren't the only one that has had these empty feelings.
ReplyDeletemaybe you should try going to church. pray about it and God will answer your prayers. if you choose not to you might find answers in other places but either way don't stop praying for help. you can find it. i know that i have had some success in just the past month or so but there is still so much more for me to learn and build on. keep your head up and i hope this was helpful. life everyday is one battle after another and we can all overcome its challenges. learn from your past mistakes as i have. dont worry about what others say, especially when considering church and how it can help. one day all your pain will be taken away if you rely in God and his power. don't think you are praying wrong because not all prayers are answered, only those which God knows are the best for us. keep thinking positive thoughts!
ReplyDeleterocko86@hotmail.com
Well, I read all the way through your post and all the way through the two comments these people left. I am not religious at all, and I think it's the stupidest thing in the world to try to convert someone, they'll try to convert you for ANY reason. I don't believe in god or any of this religious crap, but the idea of it the reason people say, "I've found jesus" or whatever the fuck they want to call it, is because it's something for them to believe in. It's as simple as finding something to live for and believe in. Some people pray, some people go to the gym, some people write, some people draw. It's whatever you love to do that distracts you from hardship. It also sounds like you need a girlfriend. I'm not trying to be a dick and say you sound like a loser, because I really don't believe that. But you said several times you're very lonely. I can relate to that, I haven't had a girlfriend in several years. You say all this shit about, "I would give anything or I would do anything..." If you really mean that and aren't just trying to get attention, then go out and ask a girl out. Grow a pair, man up, and give it a shot. Would you literally kill yourself before even TRYING? We lose 100% of the battles we don't fight. Life is a battle every day. If you don't want a girlfriend, or you're just too scared to meet some girls, find something you love. You speak of wanting to feel pain or whatever, sitting at your keyboard typing away your sadness isn't helping you feel pain. You want to feel pain, run an Ultra marathon, you have never felt a worse pain than completing a 50 mile race, I guarantee that. It would also be a huge confidence booster. You'll feel like a completely different person, because you will be. I'm not trying to recruit you to ultra running like these guys are trying to recruit you to religion. The point is, find something you love. You're not gonna do it by complaining about your sad little life. I know a ton of people in your position, I've talked friends out of killing themselves. I think to let yourself get into that mind state is disgusting, and it's nothing but mental weakness. Be better than that. FIND SOMETHING YOU LOVE.
ReplyDeletehonestly i didn't realize anyone was reading these things, rock86 thanks for the advice. that was very kind of you. Adam, i'm sorry if i offended you or anything. your post seemed a little angry, but i'm not trying for attention or seeking anything like that. if i was i'd put my real contact info up with my real name. i just thought putting my thought down in words might be helpful.
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