Rambles from the Sober and Lonely Mind

You ever feel like you're standing in the middle of a merry-go-round watching everyone laugh going by enjoying themselves while  you stand still? I can't seem to shake that feeling lately. This by no means has been a good year for me, but when I tried to remember the last good year I had, well my mind went blank.  I just feel like there is nothing waiting for me at the end of this journey. It's not self-pity thing because I'm not feeling sorry for myself.  I just can't picture life getting much better or worse depending on how you look at it.  It's like I've plateaued or something.  It just seems like all my friends and family are at really good times in their lives personally and career wise and I just kind of feel like I'm watching from the outside.  

I feel like I'm just going through the motions and eventually something good will come my way, but I don't see how that will happen if I'm still standing in the middle of the merry-go-round.  I want to do something, but my mind draws blanks and that is frustrating as all get up.  Several months ago I thought my life was over, but then I had spiritual experience and felt motivated.  Now I feel nothing.  Good or bad.  I feel lazy.  Life, never seems to have the answer your looking for, but always seems to have plenty of questions. 

I saw an old John Wayne movie the other day and I thought it'd be nice to have lived during the Old West.  I'm not even talking the movie version of the cowboys and ranchers and pretty southern belles.  I just mean working on the land you own all day with your family and being with the woman you love every night.  More laborious, but more eloquent it seems to me as well.  If you'd grown up during that time then you wouldn't even know the difference.

I'm rambling tonight. Just wish sometimes there was less options in this world i guess.