Spider Salads and Dreams

Each day brings some kind of gloom in my life. I pray so hard that my teeth are sore from gritting. My stomach can’t handle being awake and my mind can’t handle thoughts. I’m wishing for some kind of time machine. Some way to reverse this pitiful thing called my life. But I wonder, if you could correct such misfortunes would this be life or some kind of dream where everything is at your control. Unfortunately, the spontaneity of life that makes it so much fun, the first time your hand touches the hand of a girl you like, the way your stomach feels when you go down a steep roller coaster, the way if feels when life is just plain good, is also what makes life so difficult or unbearable at times. When you made a mistake you never foresaw happening and prayed that you’d do anything to take it back, but it was done; getting caught cheating on a test, girlfriend dumping you over months of stubbornly refusing to change, losing the respect of people you care about in a matter of moments. Life is so unpredictable and yet we try to approach each day in a predictable manner.

We as people bore easy. We have too many options and yet we can never find the time to do anything. We watch old re-runs of Friends or CSI instead of doing something truly productive and rewarding with our time. We like to talk about what we ‘use to be’ or what we ‘are going to do in the future’. But many of us never complete what we set out to do. Many of us start, but few cross the finish the line. Along the way we run into distractions such as school, job, love, family, hobbies, etc. Some of us run into more positive detours like realizing we already have our dreams and don’t need to be chasing things we don’t need or really even want.

And that’s what it boils down to. What do we want out of our life? It’s the question or mystery that connects every person in the world and yet separates us in our own unique way. But why is it in a world where everything seems to be at your fingertips are more people finding it hard to find ‘what they want to do in their life’. Why is this simple question so incredibly complicated? For me, it’s the fear of making the wrong decision or the fear of failing and having to start over. The irony of my fear is that it keeps me idle or paralyzed from ever truly taking a step toward my purpose. It’s worse than being in a cave full of incredibly large, hairy spiders. I know in that situation I would be running, scrapping, clawing my way out of that cave with every bit of my might. So why doesn’t my fear of failure or making a wrong decision fuel me the way an arachnid filled cave would? Maybe I’d be paralyzed with fear in the cave too. I’d like to think not, but maybe rather than trying to change my situation and get out of the cave, my fear of one wrong step here or complete failure would result in a spider salad. Maybe my worst fears come true.

There is one thing I do know out of all this, if I stay in the cave then I have no shot of bettering my situation. Much like life because if I stay idle in my life than there is no shot of bettering it, whether it be job, love, family, dreams, etc. Get out of the cave. You may take a few wrong steps, but that only shows you what the right path is and just because you may not get out the first time, doesn’t mean you quit looking for the light. Find the light, find your path, and discover what you use to only be dreaming of.

You Can't Hang Yourself If You Ain't Got Enough Rope

Have you ever thought of death and the first feeling that comes to mind is relief?  I've been having a few of those moments lately.  I can't help it.  I just find it tough lately to deal with the comings and goings of my pathetic excuse for existence.  I'm not dealing well.  I thought things were getting better, but lately the pains in my stomach and head are back.  Maybe I'm not praying right or something.  I made the noose too long so my body hit the floor.  The next time I can't get the knot right till I give up and call a suicide hotline.  They put me on hold.  I sort of smiled and had to giggle a bit.  It just shows how many people I assume are right there with me.  I'm trying, I really am.  I want to wake up in the mornings and be happy.  I want to look forward to the day, to the week, to the year.  I don't want this pain and loneliness.  I'm really worn out from it.  So that's why the thoughts have been more frequent.  Fear is at an all time high in my psyche.  I know this sounds like a guy wallowing in self-pity and maybe it is, but I swear I'd give anything not to feel this way.  I could sit in a room full of people, friends, family, and I could be the center of attention and I'd still feel alone and distant.  It's like I'm watching from a distance.  Maybe I messed up somewhere along the way or took a wrong turn or something.  I guess you can't backtrack and have a do-over.  There are no Deloreans or Marty McFlys to take you back in time.  I hope that I can hold on long enough to see what this pain was all for one day.  It'd be nice to know that it was preparing me or teaching me or anything useful what so ever.  I'd really like to feel and 'be' happy and content.  It'll be a battle between the rope and my hope and I worry the latter has taken to many hits to get back in the mix. 

What is the Point?

What is the point of life?  The famous question asked by great philosophers, biblical prophets, school counselors, and even young lost teenagers.  I wonder how often this unanswered question pushes so many into a life void of any feeling because we can only feel numb after so long.  I know it seems too deep and silly to address such an ambiguous question that has many different answers depending on the person asking the question.  But I feel it is more relevant than ever in the age of 24 Hr news cycles, prescription drugs taken for the soul purpose of fixing your mood, record suicide rates, and endless arguing that lead to war among the masses.  

In the book, 'Fight Club', the main character rides in a car in a storm where the driver lets go of the wheel and asks, 'What will you wish you had done before you died?'  After several answers and several misses from oncoming traffic the driver says, 'Believe in me and you shall die forever.'  I think the line and scenario in the book has very poignant meaning behind it.  I think too much of life is spent is trying to avoid possibilities.  The possibilities, the risks if taken that could possibly lead to a more fulfilling and content life, but fear of failure or inadequacy stop us.  Do the things you only day dream about or too worried about societal judging because of the possible absurdity behind your wants.  We handicap ourselves way too much and let fears of the unknown run our ambitions until one day we wake up and can't remember what makes us happy.  

I'm guilty just as bad as anyone.  I let fear of the wrong decision dictate my next move until I can't make a decision.  I sit idly by on the sidelines afraid to make a move.  I go to bed 17 years old and wake up 30 and can't point to any wonderful moments in my life.  To die forever in the Fight Club sense I think means to live as if you had nothing to lose.  Take chances and risks for the things you care about or make you vital to the world.  Yes there will be failures and hurts and heartaches, but endurance through those things builds character.  Besides I think the answer to the meaning life may lie in a lifetime of failures.