I’m losing my ambition once again and being content. That is a warning usually that something bad or at least something I perceive to be bad is about to happen. Every time I start to feel the least bit loose like I can let my guard down, something seems to happen to shoot fear straight down to my soul. I’m tired and I want to move on. I want to enter the next phase of my life full throttle, but I need to be patient and not lazy. My prayers often go from emotional to mundane and flow freely back and forth. I want to fill the fire in my stomach to live for God and to be a beacon of hope and compassion for all those who seem to be at the end of their rope and have lost faith in anything good happening.
I’m not quite as scared on this Sunday night as I have been recently. I can’t control what’s out of my hands and staying positive and constant in prayer and study in the WORD have kept my heart at peace. I want to go to church again and I want to worship, but I still feel shame about me and about how I look. I need to lose some weight, but it’s been harder with ironically enough more free time to stay constant with exercise like I did when I had very little free time. Overcoming my own vanity seems to be more difficult of problem that i didn't know quite existed. Vanity leads to shame quite frequently it seems.
I refused to rededicate my life before because I knew I’d be a hypocrite. That is the same reason I didn’t take communion whenever I was at church the few times I went during college and afterwards. I didn’t feel my heart was in the right place to do so and that it would be far more sinful to partake in my current state of mind. I sometimes crave that drunken feeling and I don’t even know why. I guess because it erases all your inhibitions and fears. You just don’t care about anything and will talk to the prettiest girl you can find. Doesn't even matter if you make a fool of yourself until the next morning.
Don’t get me wrong either. I like where I’m at and for the first time I actually think I might be entering something good and decent in my life. I don’t want to mess this up, but I’d be lying to myself if I said everything was great and perfect because I still have moments where I want to swing that noose around the tower and tighten up and just let go. Sweet release is how it feels in my mind sometimes. I just feel like I’m holding out for something that’s never going to happen and I’m just wasting my time by not doing the inevitable. When I get away from those moments and feel relief and grace I think those are the times I need to provide comfort to other people going through their own torments. I have a buddy who’s Mom is sick and the Doctors can’t seem to maker her better and another friend who hates his job and just seems depressed about where he is in his life at this juncture. I know tons of people go through similar struggles and some even more severe, but that doesn’t make their anxieties any less real and I don’t seem to be offering any real comfort to them. I guess I don’t know how I would even go about doing that.
I always want to be the hero, but instead I always seem to end up being silent and afraid of offending. I don’t want my friends to feel pain any more than I want to, but it seems like my own outlook on life just doesn’t bring me much to be happy about; no matter how much I try to act like it does. I guess just prayer and patience to hear the right answer is all I can do. I just hope I haven't let the answer pass me by.
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