I’ve had a mixed emotional day. I just don’t know what to believe or feel about what people tell me anymore. I walked out to the Electric tower this evening. I stared at it for a good while. Not to long ago my mind indulged the possibility of hanging some kind of rope or wire around the tower to make my noose. Those thoughts came crashing down on my soul tonight. Just to be relieved of all this pain and anguish seemed like a sweet remedy in my mind. I’m tired of being scared of tomorrow. I’m tired of my heart racing when the phone rings or when the mail comes. I’m tired and I don’t want to go on feeling like this anymore. I cried earlier and begged God for mercy. I begged him for protection and grace.
He has blessed me often with this so much the last few months. I truly love to pray, but yet I did it almost never until all this self made fiasco entered my life. I can’t go on paralyzing myself and living in fear and dread. God has answered everyone one of my prayers and I have no reason to believe that this time will be any different. Rumors run wild about me and it fills my soul with shame. I’m embarrassed of what people may think of me and I feel shame. This has been a double edge sword and God has really brought me a great deal of relief and grace in my time pain and affliction.
I read and I write. I love to write. I love to think of ideas and put them down in my computer or write them in my notebook. I want to move away. I feel like with a fresh start somewhere I can reinvent myself. I don't think I’ve ever been the same person in any chapters of my life at least not fully anyways. I carry the baggage though. I don’t want to carry it anymore. I guess that’s why I turned to God so desperately. I’m just going to give it all to him.
I fear his 'Will' sometimes. I fear that maybe he will allow more consequences of my bad decisions to continue. I pray and ask for mercy and I’m willing to accept whatever judgment he hands out. Far too long I’ve hindered myself by making compromises to my integrity and by trying to make deals and blackmails in my head. I no longer think that way. A person can’t live an honorable life by thinking he controls his own happiness by extorting God. It would be laughable if so many people including myself didn’t resort to this huge character flaw. Make God fit into how we see him and how we think he should behave and if he doesn’t well then I’m not going to do this or I’m going show you. I’m tired of compromises and selfishly hanging onto my fear and grief. It hasn’t brought me any good and I’m ready to let go and surrender and hopefully God will allow me to experience true relief and true freedom if HE sees fit.
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