Who am I suppose to be? Why can’t I ever be satisfied or content with the now? I love grace and mercy, but I hate feeling like a victim and that nothing will ever be good. I’ve messed up and gone too far and will never be perceived anything more than I am now? My life defined at 28 and its definition is a royal ‘f’n’ mess. Pain causer should be my occupation. The ‘Punisher’ comes to mind.
Self-pity has no cure it seems and yet I want no one to know, but say it anyway. Negative attention is still attention I guess even if it does make you feel shameful. I want to be a good man, a Christian man. I want to live life abundantly and never be worried about comfort. I want to enjoy a cold beer with friends and stop at 2 and not worry about what everyone is thinking. I want to be everything to everyone; whatever they need me to be. A chameleon comes to mind. I want a woman who leaves no doubt in my mind. No doubt that from the moment God created the Heavens and the Earth he picked this woman for me. To complete my journey and vice versa for hers; I want to feel happy, truly, unabashedly happy. A ‘Fairy Tale’ is only a substitute for the pathetic.
I have a ton of negative experiences with drinking, partying, girls, but I have a ton of fun experiences as well. Stories that roll off the tongue and make people laugh. Stories that when I think back on, make me smile; how am I suppose to approach these memories? Am I supposed to be ashamed of only the ones I regret or be regretful of all them because I was in darkness then? I am still trying to figure that out. Whatever feeling you have whether it is sadness or happiness it is tripled under the influence and enough to make me you feel good even when it’s bad.
Is God telling me to forget my past even the sins that make me smile or is he saying that who you were then and who you are now are two completely different people. You can’t feel shame for a different person can you? I think in trying to like everything so I could be a friend to everyone I lost whoever I was or who I was suppose to even be. God is love, Jesus is salvation, Satan is evil, Carth is dead. I’m not living and the opposite of life is death. I’m alive in the biological sense, but nothing is in my tank. I suck on whatever I can to get through the day, books, movies, writing, day dreaming; I’m a hero and someone everyone is proud to know in my made up world; women, beer, drugs, gossip, sex, are just vices to get through the next the week. Vampires sucking blood come to mind.
We are all unhappy so we infect everyone who may look happy because that’s a threat and an insult. It shows us how we are failures and the wrong turns we’ve made have been bad, but we’ll keep telling everyone we’d do it the same way until we almost believe it ourselves. If we can’t be happy then no one can, so we infect them the best we can and if that doesn’t work, then infect someone else to gang up on the happy ones. The living dead come to mind. You know the ones who are happily married and can pass back ground checks and have no fatal illnesses, whose kids aren’t on drugs or having sex; what ever we see missing in our lives ticks us off when we see others who seem to have it.
The truth is no one has it all figured out and we all have problems and can never truly completely relate, but that same ability in our spirits that steers us off the road is also the same spirit capable of steering right back onto the track.
We can’t look for hang ups in other people to make ourselves feel better because all we are doing is being miserable in someone else’s perceived misery. Here you add the two negatives, not multiply. There is no positive. You’re just sinking down farther. There is no bottom in a bottomless pit. Instead of pulling people down with us we need to find how to relate with everyone and how we can pull ourselves out of our own self made chaos. Because if we out then we are apt to help others get out; and we all need help. There’s a starting point. God, I need help. I can’t do this on my own. I’m tired of feeling this way. Please take away my baggage and throw it completely away. Help me to help others; to be their trash man.
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