You Can't Hang Yourself If You Ain't Got Enough Rope

Have you ever thought of death and the first feeling that comes to mind is relief?  I've been having a few of those moments lately.  I can't help it.  I just find it tough lately to deal with the comings and goings of my pathetic excuse for existence.  I'm not dealing well.  I thought things were getting better, but lately the pains in my stomach and head are back.  Maybe I'm not praying right or something.  I made the noose too long so my body hit the floor.  The next time I can't get the knot right till I give up and call a suicide hotline.  They put me on hold.  I sort of smiled and had to giggle a bit.  It just shows how many people I assume are right there with me.  I'm trying, I really am.  I want to wake up in the mornings and be happy.  I want to look forward to the day, to the week, to the year.  I don't want this pain and loneliness.  I'm really worn out from it.  So that's why the thoughts have been more frequent.  Fear is at an all time high in my psyche.  I know this sounds like a guy wallowing in self-pity and maybe it is, but I swear I'd give anything not to feel this way.  I could sit in a room full of people, friends, family, and I could be the center of attention and I'd still feel alone and distant.  It's like I'm watching from a distance.  Maybe I messed up somewhere along the way or took a wrong turn or something.  I guess you can't backtrack and have a do-over.  There are no Deloreans or Marty McFlys to take you back in time.  I hope that I can hold on long enough to see what this pain was all for one day.  It'd be nice to know that it was preparing me or teaching me or anything useful what so ever.  I'd really like to feel and 'be' happy and content.  It'll be a battle between the rope and my hope and I worry the latter has taken to many hits to get back in the mix. 

A Day of Shame Ending in the Cradle of Relief (journal entry from the past)

I’ve had a mixed emotional day.  I just don’t know what to believe or feel about what people tell me anymore.  I walked out to the Electric tower this evening.  I stared at it for a good while.  Not to long ago my mind indulged the possibility of hanging some kind of rope or wire around the tower to make my noose.  Those thoughts came crashing down on my soul tonight.  Just to be relieved of all this pain and anguish seemed like a sweet remedy in my mind.  I’m tired of being scared of tomorrow.  I’m tired of my heart racing when the phone rings or when the mail comes.  I’m tired and I don’t want to go on feeling like this anymore.  I cried earlier and begged God for mercy.  I begged him for protection and grace.  

He has blessed me often with this so much the last few months.  I truly love to pray, but yet I did it almost never until all this self made fiasco entered my life.  I can’t go on paralyzing myself and living in fear and dread.  God has answered everyone one of my prayers and I have no reason to believe that this time will be any different.  Rumors run wild about me and it fills my soul with shame.  I’m embarrassed of what people may think of me and I feel shame.  This has been a double edge sword and God has really brought me a great deal of relief and grace in my time pain and affliction.  

I read and I write.  I love to write.  I love to think of ideas and put them down in my computer or write them in my notebook.  I want to move away.  I feel like with a fresh start somewhere I can reinvent myself.  I don't think I’ve ever been the same person in any chapters of my life at least not fully anyways.  I carry the baggage though.  I don’t want to carry it anymore.  I guess that’s why I turned to God so desperately.  I’m just going to give it all to him.  

I fear his 'Will' sometimes.  I fear that maybe he will allow more consequences of my bad decisions to continue.  I pray and ask for mercy and I’m willing to accept whatever judgment he hands out.  Far too long I’ve hindered myself by making compromises to my integrity and by trying to make deals and blackmails in my head.  I no longer think that way.  A person can’t live an honorable life by thinking he controls his own happiness by extorting God.  It would be laughable if so many people including myself didn’t resort to this huge character flaw.  Make God fit into how we see him and how we think he should behave and if he doesn’t well then I’m not going to do this or I’m going show you.  I’m tired of compromises and selfishly hanging onto my fear and grief.  It hasn’t brought me any good and I’m ready to let go and surrender and hopefully God will allow me to experience true relief and true freedom if HE sees fit.