You Can't Hang Yourself If You Ain't Got Enough Rope

Have you ever thought of death and the first feeling that comes to mind is relief?  I've been having a few of those moments lately.  I can't help it.  I just find it tough lately to deal with the comings and goings of my pathetic excuse for existence.  I'm not dealing well.  I thought things were getting better, but lately the pains in my stomach and head are back.  Maybe I'm not praying right or something.  I made the noose too long so my body hit the floor.  The next time I can't get the knot right till I give up and call a suicide hotline.  They put me on hold.  I sort of smiled and had to giggle a bit.  It just shows how many people I assume are right there with me.  I'm trying, I really am.  I want to wake up in the mornings and be happy.  I want to look forward to the day, to the week, to the year.  I don't want this pain and loneliness.  I'm really worn out from it.  So that's why the thoughts have been more frequent.  Fear is at an all time high in my psyche.  I know this sounds like a guy wallowing in self-pity and maybe it is, but I swear I'd give anything not to feel this way.  I could sit in a room full of people, friends, family, and I could be the center of attention and I'd still feel alone and distant.  It's like I'm watching from a distance.  Maybe I messed up somewhere along the way or took a wrong turn or something.  I guess you can't backtrack and have a do-over.  There are no Deloreans or Marty McFlys to take you back in time.  I hope that I can hold on long enough to see what this pain was all for one day.  It'd be nice to know that it was preparing me or teaching me or anything useful what so ever.  I'd really like to feel and 'be' happy and content.  It'll be a battle between the rope and my hope and I worry the latter has taken to many hits to get back in the mix.