Sunday, August 9, 2009
A Legend Deserves More
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Steroids is Not Talent
Monday, June 29, 2009
You Can't Hang Yourself If You Ain't Got Enough Rope
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Rambles from the Sober and Lonely Mind
Thursday, March 26, 2009
We Can Endure; Quit Fighting the Inevitable
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Want to Feel Positive About the Future, but Why?
I’m losing my ambition once again and being content. That is a warning usually that something bad or at least something I perceive to be bad is about to happen. Every time I start to feel the least bit loose like I can let my guard down, something seems to happen to shoot fear straight down to my soul. I’m tired and I want to move on. I want to enter the next phase of my life full throttle, but I need to be patient and not lazy. My prayers often go from emotional to mundane and flow freely back and forth. I want to fill the fire in my stomach to live for God and to be a beacon of hope and compassion for all those who seem to be at the end of their rope and have lost faith in anything good happening.
I’m not quite as scared on this Sunday night as I have been recently. I can’t control what’s out of my hands and staying positive and constant in prayer and study in the WORD have kept my heart at peace. I want to go to church again and I want to worship, but I still feel shame about me and about how I look. I need to lose some weight, but it’s been harder with ironically enough more free time to stay constant with exercise like I did when I had very little free time. Overcoming my own vanity seems to be more difficult of problem that i didn't know quite existed. Vanity leads to shame quite frequently it seems.
I refused to rededicate my life before because I knew I’d be a hypocrite. That is the same reason I didn’t take communion whenever I was at church the few times I went during college and afterwards. I didn’t feel my heart was in the right place to do so and that it would be far more sinful to partake in my current state of mind. I sometimes crave that drunken feeling and I don’t even know why. I guess because it erases all your inhibitions and fears. You just don’t care about anything and will talk to the prettiest girl you can find. Doesn't even matter if you make a fool of yourself until the next morning.
Don’t get me wrong either. I like where I’m at and for the first time I actually think I might be entering something good and decent in my life. I don’t want to mess this up, but I’d be lying to myself if I said everything was great and perfect because I still have moments where I want to swing that noose around the tower and tighten up and just let go. Sweet release is how it feels in my mind sometimes. I just feel like I’m holding out for something that’s never going to happen and I’m just wasting my time by not doing the inevitable. When I get away from those moments and feel relief and grace I think those are the times I need to provide comfort to other people going through their own torments. I have a buddy who’s Mom is sick and the Doctors can’t seem to maker her better and another friend who hates his job and just seems depressed about where he is in his life at this juncture. I know tons of people go through similar struggles and some even more severe, but that doesn’t make their anxieties any less real and I don’t seem to be offering any real comfort to them. I guess I don’t know how I would even go about doing that.
I always want to be the hero, but instead I always seem to end up being silent and afraid of offending. I don’t want my friends to feel pain any more than I want to, but it seems like my own outlook on life just doesn’t bring me much to be happy about; no matter how much I try to act like it does. I guess just prayer and patience to hear the right answer is all I can do. I just hope I haven't let the answer pass me by.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
A Day of Shame Ending in the Cradle of Relief (journal entry from the past)
I’ve had a mixed emotional day. I just don’t know what to believe or feel about what people tell me anymore. I walked out to the Electric tower this evening. I stared at it for a good while. Not to long ago my mind indulged the possibility of hanging some kind of rope or wire around the tower to make my noose. Those thoughts came crashing down on my soul tonight. Just to be relieved of all this pain and anguish seemed like a sweet remedy in my mind. I’m tired of being scared of tomorrow. I’m tired of my heart racing when the phone rings or when the mail comes. I’m tired and I don’t want to go on feeling like this anymore. I cried earlier and begged God for mercy. I begged him for protection and grace.
He has blessed me often with this so much the last few months. I truly love to pray, but yet I did it almost never until all this self made fiasco entered my life. I can’t go on paralyzing myself and living in fear and dread. God has answered everyone one of my prayers and I have no reason to believe that this time will be any different. Rumors run wild about me and it fills my soul with shame. I’m embarrassed of what people may think of me and I feel shame. This has been a double edge sword and God has really brought me a great deal of relief and grace in my time pain and affliction.
I read and I write. I love to write. I love to think of ideas and put them down in my computer or write them in my notebook. I want to move away. I feel like with a fresh start somewhere I can reinvent myself. I don't think I’ve ever been the same person in any chapters of my life at least not fully anyways. I carry the baggage though. I don’t want to carry it anymore. I guess that’s why I turned to God so desperately. I’m just going to give it all to him.
I fear his 'Will' sometimes. I fear that maybe he will allow more consequences of my bad decisions to continue. I pray and ask for mercy and I’m willing to accept whatever judgment he hands out. Far too long I’ve hindered myself by making compromises to my integrity and by trying to make deals and blackmails in my head. I no longer think that way. A person can’t live an honorable life by thinking he controls his own happiness by extorting God. It would be laughable if so many people including myself didn’t resort to this huge character flaw. Make God fit into how we see him and how we think he should behave and if he doesn’t well then I’m not going to do this or I’m going show you. I’m tired of compromises and selfishly hanging onto my fear and grief. It hasn’t brought me any good and I’m ready to let go and surrender and hopefully God will allow me to experience true relief and true freedom if HE sees fit.