Suicide is Painless and the Mind is Dangerous

What's It Like by K. Bennet

2010-02-05T13:37:00.001-05:00

Sittin' by myself, drinkin' blended whiskey
Kind I wouldn't buy on my own
A friend came over, dropped off this bottle said it might keep me from feelin' so alone
But halfway through the ember, I'm still drinkin' it right down
But that's not enough 'cause your memory is still around

What's it like to break my heart?
What's it like to bring me down?
Well I ain't cryin' or scared or anything between
I just need to know that you still think of me

Just might move down to San Marcos, Texas
Got a good friend that lives down there
Thought I might call you, but you wouldn't listen
Hell, I don't think that you'd even care
Time heals all wounds, this maybe true
But you can wait a lifetime and I'd still be lovin' you

What's it like to break my heart?
What's it like to bring me down?
Well I ain't cryin' or scared or anything between
I just need to know that you still think of me

I'm just about done drinkin' this whole bottle
I feel a little better about things now
I still miss you, baby, I'm sorry for lyin' to you
You know I never wanted to let you down
But now I'll forget you, at least for tonight
I take one last drink and everything'll be alright and

What's it like to break my heart?
What's it like to bring me down?
Well I ain't cryin' or scared or anything between
I just need to know that you still think of me

Regrets, Pits, and Learning to Become Someone's Trashman

2010-01-16T22:14:00.001-05:00

Who am I suppose to be? Why can’t I ever be satisfied or content with the now? I love grace and mercy, but I hate feeling like a victim and that nothing will ever be good. I’ve messed up and gone too far and will never be perceived anything more than I am now? My life defined at 28 and its definition is a royal ‘f’n’ mess. Pain causer should be my occupation. The ‘Punisher’ comes to mind.

Self-pity has no cure it seems and yet I want no one to know, but say it anyway. Negative attention is still attention I guess even if it does make you feel shameful. I want to be a good man, a Christian man. I want to live life abundantly and never be worried about comfort. I want to enjoy a cold beer with friends and stop at 2 and not worry about what everyone is thinking. I want to be everything to everyone; whatever they need me to be. A chameleon comes to mind. I want a woman who leaves no doubt in my mind. No doubt that from the moment God created the Heavens and the Earth he picked this woman for me. To complete my journey and vice versa for hers; I want to feel happy, truly, unabashedly happy. A ‘Fairy Tale’ is only a substitute for the pathetic.

I have a ton of negative experiences with drinking, partying, girls, but I have a ton of fun experiences as well. Stories that roll off the tongue and make people laugh. Stories that when I think back on, make me smile; how am I suppose to approach these memories? Am I supposed to be ashamed of only the ones I regret or be regretful of all them because I was in darkness then? I am still trying to figure that out. Whatever feeling you have whether it is sadness or happiness it is tripled under the influence and enough to make me you feel good even when it’s bad.

Is God telling me to forget my past even the sins that make me smile or is he saying that who you were then and who you are now are two completely different people. You can’t feel shame for a different person can you? I think in trying to like everything so I could be a friend to everyone I lost whoever I was or who I was suppose to even be. God is love, Jesus is salvation, Satan is evil, Carth is dead. I’m not living and the opposite of life is death. I’m alive in the biological sense, but nothing is in my tank. I suck on whatever I can to get through the day, books, movies, writing, day dreaming; I’m a hero and someone everyone is proud to know in my made up world; women, beer, drugs, gossip, sex, are just vices to get through the next the week. Vampires sucking blood come to mind.

We are all unhappy so we infect everyone who may look happy because that’s a threat and an insult. It shows us how we are failures and the wrong turns we’ve made have been bad, but we’ll keep telling everyone we’d do it the same way until we almost believe it ourselves. If we can’t be happy then no one can, so we infect them the best we can and if that doesn’t work, then infect someone else to gang up on the happy ones. The living dead come to mind. You know the ones who are happily married and can pass back ground checks and have no fatal illnesses, whose kids aren’t on drugs or having sex; what ever we see missing in our lives ticks us off when we see others who seem to have it.

The truth is no one has it all figured out and we all have problems and can never truly completely relate, but that same ability in our spirits that steers us off the road is also the same spirit capable of steering right back onto the track.

We can’t look for hang ups in other people to make ourselves feel better because all we are doing is being miserable in someone else’s perceived misery. Here you add the two negatives, not multiply. There is no positive. You’re just sinking down farther. There is no bottom in a bottomless pit. Instead of pulling people down with us we need to find how to relate with everyone and how we can pull ourselves out of our own self made chaos. Because if we out then we are apt to help others get out; and we all need help. There’s a starting point. God, I need help. I can’t do this on my own. I’m tired of feeling this way. Please take away my baggage and throw it completely away. Help me to help others; to be their trash man.

The Soul’s Life Sentence by C.A. Boyd

2010-01-16T17:14:00.002-05:00

Another morning has come too soon,

my eyes aren’t adjusted, nor my heart.

I can’t find the reasons, the whys to walk out my door,

the pain is too much, too dull for me to take part.

The pressure of living has surpassed my threshold,

there is nothing that stimulates or encourages my soul.

The world’s road has left me numb, unable to feel.

the shine of my diamond transformed back into coal.

Sadness is my only friend and weariness my companion,

I look up to the sky and ask God for an answer.

Silence the response but yet I ask on,

I already know my misery is my own problem, my own cancer.

It seems that my heart’s content is only a fable,

there is no end in sight to my soul’s despair.

I’ve worked, I’ve pleaded, but nothingness is it,

maybe one day I’ll escape from this self made electric chair.

Is there Such a Thing as a Real Man?

2010-01-08T23:19:00.002-05:00

What is a real man?

What is my true identity?

I never have been able to answer these questions and the first one has taken on so many answers that I begin to question if there even is a correct way to answer.

I’ve been reading this book by John Eldredge, ‘Wild at Heart’. In the book Eldredge is attempting to say that men have basically been emasculated in today’s society, especially Christian men. I can sympathize with many of the men he talks about in his book and like any good read, there is subject matter he brings up that I’m not sure I entirely agree with. Needless to say it is very engrossing and I’m enjoying the journey quite a bit. I’ve always pictured ‘real man’ like the movies show them to be. Rough, rugged, heart of gold on the inside, but could kill a bad guy in a split second if he had too. John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Bruce Willis, Mel Gibson, Russell Crowe…these are just a few of the names that come to mind, but they are actors playing characters. It is really the characters they portray that we want to be; and I’ve always managed to day dream myself into one those scenes as the good guy.

I can’t really say why, but I love Batman and when it comes to super heroes; he’s been my guy. Ever since I was a little kid reading my cousins’ comic books all the way up to the Dark Knight, I’ve been fascinated by the character. My buddies and I even got into drunken debate in college who kick whose ‘you know what’, Batman vs. Spider-Man. My two hippie friends were vehemently explaining to me and my buddy how it wasn’t even debate because Batman had no superpowers. But I think that was part of his appeal to me. With some flight of the imagination he was real guy and could afford those awesome gadgets because he also happened to be a billionaire, which kind of takes the ‘real’ out of it, but none the less I was intrigued by the Dark Knight. He wasn’t happy go lucky; he seemed like a tortured soul doing something not because he ‘loved’ it or because he had to, but because of some kind of internal force to fill a need or emptiness deep inside of him and you just go the feeling that in his own mind he never thought he’d fill that void; that he’d never be able to live what people call a ‘happy life’. I’m speculating obviously, but I can relate to that because I feel the same way.

There has been this huge void and I don’t like what I’ve been doing job wise or where my current status in life is. It’s hard for me to picture ever being truly happy and content with life. So back to my original thought, a real man; what is a real man? Ask 100 different people and you’ll get no two answers the same. You’ll get similarities, but all will have their own spin on what qualifies as a real answer.

In college I wanted to be a real man, but I had no idea what that was. I played the role for whatever social group I was around. Sometimes I was the small town country boy with a southern twang who believed in God, Guns, and saying yes ma’m or no sir. Other times I was the guy at the party who could drink 30 or 40 beers and still be standing at the end of the night when everyone else was dropping like flies. Or I was the church going, scripture quoting ‘nice guy’ with a nonjudgmental heart and an open mind. I was the movie buff or the history guy. I was literally being a different person in different groups and truly never realized it. With all those masks you lose your real face and with it, the actual part of your true identity. I was all those things and I was none of those things. That sounds like I’m trying to be deep, but in reality all those identities were apart of me, but I just took it up to the 10000^th degree and exaggerated to a point where it was hard to get back to the surface. I was actor without a part.

A real man; well to be honest I have some examples. My Dad for one; he married my mom when I was four and had no problems taking on a kid who wasn’t his own blood. And this kid had no problems taking his name. Truth is I didn’t know my real Dad. I knew him, but not the way a son should know his father. I wasn’t deprived of having a father either, because of good man deciding it didn’t matter if ‘she had a kid’.

I’d like to say it doesn’t bother me at all, but then at the same time I want to say it’s a mortal wound not ever knowing my biological father the way I should. I guess that’s an attention grabber in me for pity. I have to force myself to think about the sperm donor if I want to remember during the day that I’m his son.

I wonder does he think about me ever.

Does he blame me for the distance in our relationship?

He quit calling after 8^th grade. But for whatever reason the Dad ‘bug’ hit him when I was 14 and he called a every two weeks. Believe it or not I loved it. I had no animosity toward him like you see in the movies and on TV with some kids. I’d go over there on Thursday night and spend the night. We’d rent two movies and watch football. I can’t tell you why, but it always felt good like a mini-vacation. I remember watching Star Trek at like 3 in the morning. The original Star Trek, which lets be honest it’s the best one in the series. One of his ‘drinking’ buddies was a huge Trekkie and we just sat there and watched Captain Kirk and Spock fight aliens or get it on with green chicks. I enjoyed it quite a bit. It was always dirty at his house though.

I hated taking a shower there because the water temperature would never get warm until after I spent a bone chilling 10 minutes in ice cold water and the towels always had a funny smell that would stay on your body well into the day. I slept on the couch in the TV room and did my best not let my hand find its way between the baby blue sofa because there was a good chance some kind of sticky mixture of peanut butter, melted candy bars, bubble gum, with a nice glob of hair would attach itself to my body. It was hideous and for me it meant a sprint to the bathroom and healthy scrubbing of dial to remove the alien like substance from my skin.

I even remember seeing a snake in the back yard one time, which looked like a jungle do to the fact it hadn’t been mowed sense they moved in and Dad came out with his Budweiser in hand and poured that can of beer down the snake hole as the serpent retreated from us. I thought that was the coolest thing ever, a drunken snake; I pictured the one from Disney’s Robin Hood. That’s what a 10 year old pictures in his head when he pictures a highly intoxicated serpent. I was very mature for my age. I told all my friends that story and for whatever reason it sticks out in my mind today. I guess the point is I enjoyed myself over at his place, sticky gunk in the couch and all. I loved going to visit him and my step mom and baby sisters.

So why did he stop calling?

Did he not enjoy it or just not as much as I did. I would have gone there anytime he called, but he didn’t call anymore. He missed out on all the big things in a young boy’s life and then for 4 months when I was fourteen years old something moved him to call like clock work every 2 weeks and then he stopped. I don’t think I hold any ill wills toward the man and I always tried to be respectful not to call my step dad ‘Dad’ in his presence. Some would say that he may have deserved for me to do that to him, but I’m not so sure it would have mattered; but to me I owed him that much.

No matter what happens in my life I have a blood line with him. I dropped his name and took the one of the man who took the job of being true Dad and to me that was enough. If I saw him tomorrow I’d call him Dad not for any other reason than that’s what he is and that’s how I know him. I’d feel weird calling him by his first name just as I’d feel weird calling my step dad anything other than ‘Dad’.

So what is a real man? I don’t know the answer yet, but I’m hoping that God will bless me through all this experience so I can help my sons if I’m blessed with any to make the journey on the right path. Lord knows I’ve taken plenty of wrong turns and dead end streets that I might be able to help them a little better than I did myself. Hopefully they won’t have my character flaws.

Our Choices in LIfe is like a Roadmap of Our Souls

2010-01-08T02:26:00.003-05:00

I ran into an old friend not too long ago and he asked how I’d been holding up. I’ve had a very rough year to say the least, but I told my friend this, “not to sound hokey, but I’ve been praying and reading the Bible”; I guess I felt the need to preface my faith and my resurgence back to God with ‘hokey’. I was worried how my faith might make his view of me. I felt ashamed for that, but I realized I was trying not to offend anyone while still being able to say that I’m a believer.

If I had been really honest with my friend, I would have said I pray almost all the time and I pray for mercy, lots and lots of MERCY. I read the scripture and God talks to me through his Holy Word and sends the Holy Spirit to comfort me when I feel like I’m about to break down. I’ve been ungrateful person in many ways and I’m finally coming to that realization.

Truth be told I wanted to hug my old friend who I had partied with on numerous occasions in college and tell him that God loves him, but I guess I’m not up to that stage of courage yet. Baby steps Carth.

I remember sitting on the outside deck of the Commons Apartments with this old friend and another buddy one night during my freshman year at UK. It was late and the city of Lexington seemed small because that bright neon blue 5/3 Bank Building looked like it was an air traffic control tower. If you ever got lost on the outskirts of Lexington and needed to get back to campus, just point your nose to that Kentucky blue beacon and it will guide you home.

I remember sitting there most likely drinking a steely tasting can of beer and some how the topic of religion came up. I assumed everyone believed the way I did about everything until I got to college and realized how oh so wrong I was. But on this particular night it was early into my naiveness of the world and I just assumed my buddies were Christian like me; I mean wasn’t everybody, not that I was exactly leading Christian type life.

I can’t remember what I said, but I do think I made an uninformed statement that sounded something like Islam seems to be so violent and seem to teach violence and Christianity is nothing like that. Before I could even finish my statement they both called b.s. on my ill advised argument and brought up the crusades.

I can’t remember the rest of the conversation only that I passively agreed the rest of the night and let them go on like I was in agreement with them in some way. I was caught with my pants down and had no way to offer any informed statement on what I believed. But I knew the crusades were not Jesus Christ’s fault.

Truth is, Jesus’ name has been misused so many times over the last thousand years, but if you truly look at Jesus he doesn’t teach what some people do in his name. David Koresh, Jim Jones, the God Hates Faggots Organization, people who attack abortion clinics or gays, etc.; none of that stuff is ordered in the Bible. The Bible doesn’t teach that, but so many people use it for their own personal vices. Matter of fact the Bible warns about false prophets and people coming in Jesus’ name who are not who they claim to be. Just because these people exist doesn’t take away from the heart of the Bible or the heart of Jesus’ message. We are all broken trying to find our way in this world. However you can disagree with abortion and homosexuality without resorting to what some people do. You can have these view points and not be ignorant or violent or uncaring.

I didn’t read anywhere in the New Testament where it condones preaching God Hates Faggots and giving a countdown on a website of how many days Matthew Shepard’s been in Hell. It actually makes me sick to my stomach when I see these people and the hate they spew. I want to yell and say have you people actually read you’re Bibles. Jesus hung out with the people you guys want nothing to do with. These types of people and organizations bring much more damage to Jesus than help and I wonder how a preacher can preach the word of God and encourage anything that spews hate.

Truth of the matter is I’ve been on both sides of the argument, but not in ways people may think. I’ve argued with Christians that picking homosexuality as a sin worse than other sins has no bearing with God. Many of these same Christians who have pre-marital sex with multiple partners, get drunk, do drugs, steal, treat their parents like crap, but they think being Gay is THE SIN. That is hypocrisy at its finest in my humble opinion. But on the flip side I find hypocrisy in people who call Christians or anyone that disagrees with that choice of lifestyle, a homophobe. They are no better than the other side and are actually acting like the people they claim to be ignorant.

There is no evidence to support homosexuality is biological and saying that doesn’t make me a bigot or a homophobe. Truth is, my opinion on the subject matter has evolved a great deal over the years from a person who called it a choice and didn’t want to be hit on to a person who sympathizes with the ones who are suffering because of real bigots. Let me make one thing clear I don’t think one day a homosexual woke up and said I think I’ll be gay today no more than a person wakes up says I think I’ll be straight today or I think I’ll be a Drug Dealer today or I think I’ll be a work-a-holic today or think I’ll neglect my kids today and watch TV, etc. The list goes on and on.

A homosexual comes to be that way just like any person comes to be the way they are by a series of events and choices in their lives that have shaped who they are. That makes people uneasy because then their world is drastically different and they have to have ownership of their own lives and the people they’ve become. It’s much easier to right it off as I was born that ‘way’ and to say ‘I had nothing to do with who I am’, and anyone who disagrees with that we’ll chalk up to simple bigotry.

I don’t think the argument that gays or people who say people are born gay have a sound argument when they simplify their argument by saying, ‘Do you think a person would choose this life? It’s so much easier to be straight’. Number one it dumbs down the significance of who they are and claim to be so proud of and it suggests that being straight is an easier lifestyle and in many regards less anxieties come with being straight obviously. But I also think the man of ambition who wanted to be a success and provide for his family and be the ‘cock of the walk’, but comes to a point in his life where his marriage is in shambles and his kids don’t even know him (cue the cats in the cradle song) and he can easily blame it on that’s who he is and how he was born. It’s a cop out and saying you were born gay is a cop out. I wasn’t born a Christian and I wasn’t born indecisive and I wasn’t born fat and I wasn’t born a football player. I became those things through a series of events in my life and choices I made. You trace choices back far enough you can pin point a great deal of things about your life.

A lot of guys today view females as instrument to meet their physical need. But were they born that way; did they only view females as sexual objects or fantasies, did they wake up one day choose to be that way? NO! It happened over the course of their lifetime and series of events led up to this point. Maybe the first time you chose to watch a bad movie or a skin-a-max flick and you knew it was wrong, but you liked this new sensation you felt and you could picture yourself in that dominating role of the woman. Then the next time becomes less of a big deal. It makes it easier to make other decisions and leads to sex with girls, but you’re not having sex with those girls; you’re having sex with the girls in the video and want the same reaction and feeling the dude in the movie appears to get. Then you go with another girl and another and maybe it leads to several, but the compromises you made 10, 15 years ago watching porn and choosing to continue to watch porn led to the shaping of what kind of person you are currently. With each choice and compromise and decision you shaped the personality of the person you’d become. First it was skin-max flicks then it was hardcore. It was progression that you didn’t even realize was happening. I don’t think the ‘drug dealer’ wakes up one day and says I chose this. But that first time he smoked pot and then took some Oxycontin and then realized he could make money and feed his habit along the ways. It’s a simplified explanation of the situation, but the argument is sound no matter how many people want to call you a bigot or insensitive because they can’t accept the truth.

Our environment and choices makes us who we are, sexuality and all. I also don’t feel me or anyone else have the right to tell someone they are going to Hell. The Bible backs me up on that tid bit as well. We as Christians can’t be willing to accept certain sins, but other ones we’ll make people wear a scarlet letter. Gays, straits, singles, married, divorced, workaholic, alcoholic, addict, virgin, promiscuous, etc, WE ARE ALL JUST TRYING TO FIND OUR WAY. Life is too short to live with judgment in your heart. And if you are truly trying to live according to Jesus then no one has that right to judge; we are to show God’s love and mercy and forgiveness through our actions.

Some how thinking about my friends and that talk we had so many years ago made me think about how uninformed I was on my own faith. I don’t want to be caught with my pants down ever again and I want to have sufficient intelligent arguments to counter back with using God’s word. I want to show his love and mercy for everyone. I want my friends to come to know his grace and compassion and feel the peace everyone is looking for and experience Jesus first hand because they are my friends. Hopefully I’ll have an opportunity to have a better reply than I did on that balcony in Lexington a decade ago.

Spider Salads and Dreams

2010-01-04T20:49:00.004-05:00

Each day brings some kind of gloom in my life. I pray so hard that my teeth are sore from gritting. My stomach can’t handle being awake and my mind can’t handle thoughts. I’m wishing for some kind of time machine. Some way to reverse this pitiful thing called my life. But I wonder, if you could correct such misfortunes would this be life or some kind of dream where everything is at your control. Unfortunately, the spontaneity of life that makes it so much fun, the first time your hand touches the hand of a girl you like, the way your stomach feels when you go down a steep roller coaster, the way if feels when life is just plain good, is also what makes life so difficult or unbearable at times. When you made a mistake you never foresaw happening and prayed that you’d do anything to take it back, but it was done; getting caught cheating on a test, girlfriend dumping you over months of stubbornly refusing to change, losing the respect of people you care about in a matter of moments. Life is so unpredictable and yet we try to approach each day in a predictable manner.

We as people bore easy. We have too many options and yet we can never find the time to do anything. We watch old re-runs of Friends or CSI instead of doing something truly productive and rewarding with our time. We like to talk about what we ‘use to be’ or what we ‘are going to do in the future’. But many of us never complete what we set out to do. Many of us start, but few cross the finish the line. Along the way we run into distractions such as school, job, love, family, hobbies, etc. Some of us run into more positive detours like realizing we already have our dreams and don’t need to be chasing things we don’t need or really even want.

And that’s what it boils down to. What do we want out of our life? It’s the question or mystery that connects every person in the world and yet separates us in our own unique way. But why is it in a world where everything seems to be at your fingertips are more people finding it hard to find ‘what they want to do in their life’. Why is this simple question so incredibly complicated? For me, it’s the fear of making the wrong decision or the fear of failing and having to start over. The irony of my fear is that it keeps me idle or paralyzed from ever truly taking a step toward my purpose. It’s worse than being in a cave full of incredibly large, hairy spiders. I know in that situation I would be running, scrapping, clawing my way out of that cave with every bit of my might. So why doesn’t my fear of failure or making a wrong decision fuel me the way an arachnid filled cave would? Maybe I’d be paralyzed with fear in the cave too. I’d like to think not, but maybe rather than trying to change my situation and get out of the cave, my fear of one wrong step here or complete failure would result in a spider salad. Maybe my worst fears come true.

There is one thing I do know out of all this, if I stay in the cave then I have no shot of bettering my situation. Much like life because if I stay idle in my life than there is no shot of bettering it, whether it be job, love, family, dreams, etc. Get out of the cave. You may take a few wrong steps, but that only shows you what the right path is and just because you may not get out the first time, doesn’t mean you quit looking for the light. Find the light, find your path, and discover what you use to only be dreaming of.

A Legend Deserves More

2009-08-09T23:10:00.008-04:00

Brett Favre has finally decided to hang up the cleats and call it a career. The man who started every single game he's played in the NFL since 1992 I believe, has decided to be more of a family guy then the iron man. I've been out of college for 5 years and I was watching this guy play when I was in grade school. But the media elite and so-called Sports Talk personalities love dragging his name through the mud. And why? Because a man who has done nothing but play football since he was a little kid, now approaching 40 years old had a tough time making a life altering decision.

Jim Rome who loves to stir up emotions and enflame people with half-truths said he will not ever view Favre the same way after what 'he's done'. And all because he gave a tearful retirement speech over a year ago and a few months later thought he might have something left to give and that he wanted to continue playing. Heaven forbid! Call the police he can't change his mind!

Hey Rome, no one's telling you to quit the only career you've ever had even though maybe we should if you can't give honest and unbiased feedback as a newsman. The 'Around the Horn' reporters are the same way. People are enraged because he had a tough time making a decision that would change his life forever. Like he's indecision somehow inconvenianced them. Hey, here's a thought, don't talk about it if it annoys you so much ass wipes.

Yes, everyone goes through some kind of self-denial at the end of their careers in professional sports, but then again not everyone is Brett Favre. Montana and Marino had injury after injury and their bodies just didn't do what they use too. They missed games. Steve Young and Troy Aikman were competing for most concussions. John Elway couldn't walk anymore. All great quarterbacks who walked away from the game without the decision problems, but none of them had done what #4 did for almost 20 years. Think about that; every season starting under center every single game and never once missing. He played a whole season with a broken thumb on his throwing hand and threw for over 4,o00 yards. Favre wasn't holding press conferences every week. He wasn't pulling a Jordan and retiring and coming back 3 years later and then retiring again and then coming back again. No, he knew if committed he was in it for the whole season.

People say he put Green Bay in a bad spot; B.S.! I don't see it that way at all. He gave them some great, exciting football for 15 years and a Super Bowl, and let's be honest they had a QB-in-waiting in Aaron Rogers. I say that because whether Favre came back or not, it would not affect how they draft. They didn't have to pick a QB because they already had a pretty good one. And it wouldn't change how Rogers prepared. He'd still be training to be the best QB he could be. The Packers did Brett wrong and I say this as life long cheesehead. He led the Packers to a game away from the Super Bowl and lost to the eventual Super Bowl champions in overtime so clearly he was still slinging the ball around effectively. Green Bay kicks him to the curb and then J-E-T-S and the haters there as well. Let me remind you he led the Jets to an 8-3 start before ripping the bicep in his throwing arm, which is conveniently forgotten for mud slandering purposes when they talk about how he ruined the Jets. Hardly. Let's say it one more time, HE RIPPED HIS BICEP!!! And still played. And he we are now.

All haters and idiots out there should remember, that there is no Brett Favre story if no one comes a knocking. The Vikings pursued him not the other way around. He told them early July that he didn't think he could do it and then they send a full frontal assault with player texts and coaching visits to pitch harder that he be their QB. Brett didn't do anything to Sage Rosenfels or Tarvaris Jackson or the Vikings. They wanted him! And these Sports Personalities in all their savvy intuitive sports knowledge say it's Brett's fault for the Vikings current predicament. You're a joke. No logical human being could even look at this situation and blame the Vikings problems on Favre.

These guys don't want to talk about how an era has ended. No more Iron Man. No more joyful grown up kid like play on Sundays. No more Mr. Football. Brett Favre deserves more respect from men who claim Sports Medium as their profession. A man who in is own right brought the joy of the game back to the fans.

He helped us forget about the multi-million dollar disputes among players, millionaires crying over millions with other millionaires; T.O. like behavior in the locker rooms. He took our minds away from all that selfish crap because he played the way we played in Pee-Wee and high school. They don't talk about that, it's far to positive. They'd rather tell the man to retire even though I doubt they would respond so positively if someone was telling them to quit their job as well. It's much more fun to rip a person down and slander them. But it shows the character of men who we go to for our sports information. Rome, no one cares if you look at Favre differently. 50 years from now Favre will be remembered as one of the best to ever strap them on and you, well some other jack ass will be doing what you do.

Steroids is Not Talent

2009-07-18T23:59:00.008-04:00

I don't know why, but lately the sports commentators and analysts and reporters and whoever has opinion on baseball and steroids has been getting on my nerves. I grew up a Reds fan and the first major sporting event I went to was a game at Riverfront Park. So I respect and enjoy the game.

All these commentators and reporters seem to have the same opinion on the steroid issue. Basically guys like Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, A-Rod, etc. are evil and don't deserve the Hall of Fame because they took performance enhancers.

First I'd like to say they need to grow up and quit living in this make believe world where everything warm and cuddly is baseball. I think the nostalgia of being America's Past time has taken over the realism that since the beginning of baseball things haven't been as pure as these guys would like it to be. Heck the the big Shoeless Joe Jackson and Black Sox scandal dates back to 1919 or somewhere around there. Guys in baseball have always done anything to get an edge. Pitchers used all kinds of shady tricks to get an advantage and many of them are in the hall of fame. I don't see the difference between doing something to improve your body or doing something like rubbing some kind of substance on a ball to give it a funky spin or whatever. Both give an advantage.

Steroids have been around for along time, so who's to know if guys in the 70s and 80s weren't doping. I mean the Govenator and his pals in the Mr. Universe contest were using in that time period so obviously it was available. And let me make this clear, I love baseball and it doesn't bother me that these guys used performance enhancers. Why does it bother these other hypocrites? They are paid to be the best they can be and while maybe their judgement suffered when deciding to use, their goal are the same as any other athlete; to perform at the highest level.

If they are upset because of the health risk that is one thing, but that is rarely mentioned if ever when these guys rant and rave about it. It's some imaginary code they have. If baseball and other sports want to punish guys that get caught using now then I have no problem with that either. Players know the rules and if they get busted then there should be consequences. But during McGwire, Sosa, Bonds era, these things technically weren't illegal in the league. And lets be clear about another thing, Bonds and company hit hundreds of home runs because of their talent. Sure I'm not that naive to not know they hit more because they were stronger, but think about how many guys were using and then think about how many guys are in the 600+ club. Not many. Talent still has to account for something. These writers and commentators have no problem voting in known drug addicts and wife beaters, criminals, but heaven forbid a player used something to actually make himself a better ball player.

Keith Olbermann said these guys don't deserve to get in. Of course he also said based on stats and play alone that Pete Rose doesn't deserve to either, but Dale Murphy does. Remember I said based on play alone. Forget about the gambling and the betting on baseball. Pete Rose's stats which are far better than Dale Murphy's, Keith thinks Rose isn't worthy. That's what I'm talking about right there; this embodiment of self-righteousness for baseball which doesn't exist. If Rose hadn't done the things he did then Keith would have said something else I'm sure, but Rose violated the imaginary purity of baseball.

The hypocrisy of the media elite knows no bounds. They bitch and moan over guys who's only goal was to make themselves better. The means are clearly questionable, but not unforgivable. I mean to paint these guys as evil is extreme, but I guess that's what sells papers and drives ratings these days. Every reporter needs their villain whether that person deservers it or not. Keith Olbermann needs people put to on his worst people in the world list. These players are guilty all right, of being incredibly human. They were easily tempted to find an edge in a business where being on top is all that matters. And who created that glass ceiling? So to Jay Marriotti, Woody Paige, Bill Plaschke, Keith, and the rest of the whiny bitches I say, grow up, there are far more pressing things in this current world to be upset about. Maybe baseball fans and company should mimic the NFL which handles things slightly differently. They have a policy and if a player violates the substance abuse then they are fined and suspended. They don't create a bunch of hoopla about it and pretend it's anything other than what it is. But hey what do they know they're only the most popular professional sport in the country.

You Can't Hang Yourself If You Ain't Got Enough Rope

2009-06-29T23:25:00.006-04:00

Have you ever thought of death and the first feeling that comes to mind is relief? I've been having a few of those moments lately. I can't help it. I just find it tough lately to deal with the comings and goings of my pathetic excuse for existence. I'm not dealing well. I thought things were getting better, but lately the pains in my stomach and head are back. Maybe I'm not praying right or something. I made the noose too long so my body hit the floor. The next time I can't get the knot right till I give up and call a suicide hotline. They put me on hold. I sort of smiled and had to giggle a bit. It just shows how many people I assume are right there with me. I'm trying, I really am. I want to wake up in the mornings and be happy. I want to look forward to the day, to the week, to the year. I don't want this pain and loneliness. I'm really worn out from it. So that's why the thoughts have been more frequent. Fear is at an all time high in my psyche. I know this sounds like a guy wallowing in self-pity and maybe it is, but I swear I'd give anything not to feel this way. I could sit in a room full of people, friends, family, and I could be the center of attention and I'd still feel alone and distant. It's like I'm watching from a distance. Maybe I messed up somewhere along the way or took a wrong turn or something. I guess you can't backtrack and have a do-over. There are no Deloreans or Marty McFlys to take you back in time. I hope that I can hold on long enough to see what this pain was all for one day. It'd be nice to know that it was preparing me or teaching me or anything useful what so ever. I'd really like to feel and 'be' happy and content. It'll be a battle between the rope and my hope and I worry the latter has taken to many hits to get back in the mix.

Rambles from the Sober and Lonely Mind

2009-06-16T23:02:00.003-04:00

You ever feel like you're standing in the middle of a merry-go-round watching everyone laugh going by enjoying themselves while you stand still? I can't seem to shake that feeling lately. This by no means has been a good year for me, but when I tried to remember the last good year I had, well my mind went blank. I just feel like there is nothing waiting for me at the end of this journey. It's not self-pity thing because I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I just can't picture life getting much better or worse depending on how you look at it. It's like I've plateaued or something. It just seems like all my friends and family are at really good times in their lives personally and career wise and I just kind of feel like I'm watching from the outside.

I feel like I'm just going through the motions and eventually something good will come my way, but I don't see how that will happen if I'm still standing in the middle of the merry-go-round. I want to do something, but my mind draws blanks and that is frustrating as all get up. Several months ago I thought my life was over, but then I had spiritual experience and felt motivated. Now I feel nothing. Good or bad. I feel lazy. Life, never seems to have the answer your looking for, but always seems to have plenty of questions.

I saw an old John Wayne movie the other day and I thought it'd be nice to have lived during the Old West. I'm not even talking the movie version of the cowboys and ranchers and pretty southern belles. I just mean working on the land you own all day with your family and being with the woman you love every night. More laborious, but more eloquent it seems to me as well. If you'd grown up during that time then you wouldn't even know the difference.

I'm rambling tonight. Just wish sometimes there was less options in this world i guess.

We Can Endure; Quit Fighting the Inevitable

2009-03-26T00:00:00.004-04:00

I can't help, but notice that everyone is obsessed with money. I wonder why we continue our endless pursuits of things that will never be? As if we have one more dollar or one more car or a bigger house or bigger a TV or a fancier vacation; as if when we obtain these things will have anything left to pursue or will we have finally found life's content? Or worse yet we die trying to capture that which is not even possible and then we are left going to our graves unfulfilled.

The economy, jobs, bills, clothes, things that contribute to our supposed happiness. It seems like times are never as good as they seem, yet they are never quite the dismal apocalyptic circumstances that people paint them to be either. Talk to any person who complains about money, poor or rich, and is seems the problem is never enough. People act like a factory closing down or a store losing it's business is the end of the world and the fall of modern society as we know it. You'd never think by watching our 24 hour zombie channels that any business had ever shut down until the last few years.

I feel for people who have lost their jobs and families who have taken a hit; don't think I'm being callous to other people's bad times, but this country has seen it's fair share of products, factories, stores, towns, several kinds of money makers shut down, and even one "Great Depression" and yet here we still are. Yet we endured and adapted. Bailing out corporations and other businesses to me seems like a futile attempt to give the appearance that our government cares and is working to make sure that everyone 'believes' them by spending money we don't have. Funny that it's called counterfeiting when other people do this.

I just think there are many more productive ways to spend money especially if they are truly concerned about the state of the country. At one time agriculture was the biggest source of income for most people in this country and was the main economic source for the U.S., and today only 2% of working families rely on farming as their lively hood. What happened? The industrial revolution happened and once again America adapted and survived without bailing out failing farms; of course we still have those money guzzling farm subsidiaries.

Now we are in what I guess some people call 'Information Age' for lack of a better term. Information runs our society. We have internet access in all kinds of crazy places and along with that comes instant shipping, ebay, chat rooms, and buying stocks. I'm not saying that we shouldn't save jobs if they can be saved and be saved to the point where they will still be beneficial, but if not then it's time to get off a sinking ship before we all drown.

People will have to find other jobs. Fear of the unknown is always more paralyzing then the actual job loss. We've endured this long and we will endure some more. The end of the Industrial Age in the American sense doesn't mean the end of the working man or America. It just means we've adapted and changed course yet again like so many times before.

Want to Feel Positive About the Future, but Why?

2009-03-22T23:19:00.003-04:00

I’m losing my ambition once again and being content. That is a warning usually that something bad or at least something I perceive to be bad is about to happen. Every time I start to feel the least bit loose like I can let my guard down, something seems to happen to shoot fear straight down to my soul. I’m tired and I want to move on. I want to enter the next phase of my life full throttle, but I need to be patient and not lazy. My prayers often go from emotional to mundane and flow freely back and forth. I want to fill the fire in my stomach to live for God and to be a beacon of hope and compassion for all those who seem to be at the end of their rope and have lost faith in anything good happening.

I’m not quite as scared on this Sunday night as I have been recently. I can’t control what’s out of my hands and staying positive and constant in prayer and study in the WORD have kept my heart at peace. I want to go to church again and I want to worship, but I still feel shame about me and about how I look. I need to lose some weight, but it’s been harder with ironically enough more free time to stay constant with exercise like I did when I had very little free time. Overcoming my own vanity seems to be more difficult of problem that i didn't know quite existed. Vanity leads to shame quite frequently it seems.

I refused to rededicate my life before because I knew I’d be a hypocrite. That is the same reason I didn’t take communion whenever I was at church the few times I went during college and afterwards. I didn’t feel my heart was in the right place to do so and that it would be far more sinful to partake in my current state of mind. I sometimes crave that drunken feeling and I don’t even know why. I guess because it erases all your inhibitions and fears. You just don’t care about anything and will talk to the prettiest girl you can find. Doesn't even matter if you make a fool of yourself until the next morning.

Don’t get me wrong either. I like where I’m at and for the first time I actually think I might be entering something good and decent in my life. I don’t want to mess this up, but I’d be lying to myself if I said everything was great and perfect because I still have moments where I want to swing that noose around the tower and tighten up and just let go. Sweet release is how it feels in my mind sometimes. I just feel like I’m holding out for something that’s never going to happen and I’m just wasting my time by not doing the inevitable. When I get away from those moments and feel relief and grace I think those are the times I need to provide comfort to other people going through their own torments. I have a buddy who’s Mom is sick and the Doctors can’t seem to maker her better and another friend who hates his job and just seems depressed about where he is in his life at this juncture. I know tons of people go through similar struggles and some even more severe, but that doesn’t make their anxieties any less real and I don’t seem to be offering any real comfort to them. I guess I don’t know how I would even go about doing that.

I always want to be the hero, but instead I always seem to end up being silent and afraid of offending. I don’t want my friends to feel pain any more than I want to, but it seems like my own outlook on life just doesn’t bring me much to be happy about; no matter how much I try to act like it does. I guess just prayer and patience to hear the right answer is all I can do. I just hope I haven't let the answer pass me by.

A Day of Shame Ending in the Cradle of Relief (journal entry from the past)

2009-03-19T18:22:00.005-04:00

I’ve had a mixed emotional day. I just don’t know what to believe or feel about what people tell me anymore. I walked out to the Electric tower this evening. I stared at it for a good while. Not to long ago my mind indulged the possibility of hanging some kind of rope or wire around the tower to make my noose. Those thoughts came crashing down on my soul tonight. Just to be relieved of all this pain and anguish seemed like a sweet remedy in my mind. I’m tired of being scared of tomorrow. I’m tired of my heart racing when the phone rings or when the mail comes. I’m tired and I don’t want to go on feeling like this anymore. I cried earlier and begged God for mercy. I begged him for protection and grace.

He has blessed me often with this so much the last few months. I truly love to pray, but yet I did it almost never until all this self made fiasco entered my life. I can’t go on paralyzing myself and living in fear and dread. God has answered everyone one of my prayers and I have no reason to believe that this time will be any different. Rumors run wild about me and it fills my soul with shame. I’m embarrassed of what people may think of me and I feel shame. This has been a double edge sword and God has really brought me a great deal of relief and grace in my time pain and affliction.

I read and I write. I love to write. I love to think of ideas and put them down in my computer or write them in my notebook. I want to move away. I feel like with a fresh start somewhere I can reinvent myself. I don't think I’ve ever been the same person in any chapters of my life at least not fully anyways. I carry the baggage though. I don’t want to carry it anymore. I guess that’s why I turned to God so desperately. I’m just going to give it all to him.

I fear his 'Will' sometimes. I fear that maybe he will allow more consequences of my bad decisions to continue. I pray and ask for mercy and I’m willing to accept whatever judgment he hands out. Far too long I’ve hindered myself by making compromises to my integrity and by trying to make deals and blackmails in my head. I no longer think that way. A person can’t live an honorable life by thinking he controls his own happiness by extorting God. It would be laughable if so many people including myself didn’t resort to this huge character flaw. Make God fit into how we see him and how we think he should behave and if he doesn’t well then I’m not going to do this or I’m going show you. I’m tired of compromises and selfishly hanging onto my fear and grief. It hasn’t brought me any good and I’m ready to let go and surrender and hopefully God will allow me to experience true relief and true freedom if HE sees fit.

What is the Point?

2009-03-19T11:04:00.001-04:00

What is the point of life? The famous question asked by great philosophers, biblical prophets, school counselors, and even young lost teenagers. I wonder how often this unanswered question pushes so many into a life void of any feeling because we can only feel numb after so long. I know it seems too deep and silly to address such an ambiguous question that has many different answers depending on the person asking the question. But I feel it is more relevant than ever in the age of 24 Hr news cycles, prescription drugs taken for the soul purpose of fixing your mood, record suicide rates, and endless arguing that lead to war among the masses.

In the book, 'Fight Club', the main character rides in a car in a storm where the driver lets go of the wheel and asks, 'What will you wish you had done before you died?' After several answers and several misses from oncoming traffic the driver says, 'Believe in me and you shall die forever.' I think the line and scenario in the book has very poignant meaning behind it. I think too much of life is spent is trying to avoid possibilities. The possibilities, the risks if taken that could possibly lead to a more fulfilling and content life, but fear of failure or inadequacy stop us. Do the things you only day dream about or too worried about societal judging because of the possible absurdity behind your wants. We handicap ourselves way too much and let fears of the unknown run our ambitions until one day we wake up and can't remember what makes us happy.

I'm guilty just as bad as anyone. I let fear of the wrong decision dictate my next move until I can't make a decision. I sit idly by on the sidelines afraid to make a move. I go to bed 17 years old and wake up 30 and can't point to any wonderful moments in my life. To die forever in the Fight Club sense I think means to live as if you had nothing to lose. Take chances and risks for the things you care about or make you vital to the world. Yes there will be failures and hurts and heartaches, but endurance through those things builds character. Besides I think the answer to the meaning life may lie in a lifetime of failures.